Being Your Own Best Friend: Self-Compassion with ADHD and Autism

Living with ADHD or autism often means facing extra challenges in everyday life, and sometimes the harshest critic is your own inner voice. But what if you could be your own best friend instead? Through self-compassion, the art of being kind to yourself, you can learn to meet difficulties with warmth and strengthen your wellbeing.

When the Inner Critic is Loud

Many people with ADHD or autism, whether formally diagnosed or simply recognising the symptoms, have experienced the feeling of not quite fitting the mould. Perhaps over the years you have been told you are “not trying hard enough,” “lazy,” or that you “need to pull yourself together,” even though you are actually working flat out. Comments like these, combined with the experience of constantly getting things wrong or falling short, can leave deep marks. Eventually we often internalise the criticism ourselves. The inner voice starts saying things like “Everything goes wrong and it is my fault” or “Why can’t I manage what seems so easy for everyone else?” When the inner critic is at its harshest, we fill up with shame and stress, two feelings that easily make the challenges we already face in daily life even harder.

Self-Compassion: What It Is and Why It Matters

Self-compassion means being understanding and kind toward yourself, especially when things are hard or when you make mistakes. Instead of judging or berating yourself, you try to meet yourself with warmth, much as you would a good friend in the same situation. It is about accepting that all people have their challenges and limitations, and that you deserve the same patience and care you give to others.

Why does this matter? Several studies have shown that people with ADHD or autism often have lower self-compassion than average, which is hardly surprising given the additional pressures they face. At the same time, research points to the fact that those who manage to develop a kinder attitude toward themselves experience less stress, anxiety, and low mood, and instead report greater wellbeing and higher self-esteem. Practising a gentler attitude toward yourself acts as a buffer against the negative thoughts that easily arise when you feel different or inadequate. When you stop spending so much energy on self-criticism, you also have more strength left over to handle everyday difficulties constructively. In fact, some research suggests that increased self-compassion can even support things like focus and emotion regulation. When the brain is no longer weighed down by shame and stress, it becomes easier to think clearly.

Self-Compassion in Everyday Life

What might self-compassion look like in practice? Imagine that because of your ADHD you forget an important task or are late again. Instead of calling yourself “careless” or “useless,” you can pause and say to yourself: “Okay, this was not ideal, but everyone forgets things sometimes. I am doing my best. What can I learn from this?” With that kinder approach it becomes easier to calmly think about a solution, perhaps setting more reminders on your phone or asking for help structuring tasks, rather than getting stuck in self-blame.

Similarly, if as an autistic person you become overwhelmed in a social situation and need to take a break, try to meet yourself with understanding. Instead of thinking “I am a failure for not being able to cope like everyone else,” you can say to yourself: “It is not surprising that I am tired. Many people would feel the same way in this environment. It is okay for me to take care of myself right now.” By normalising your reaction and giving yourself permission to be human, you reduce the feelings of shame and can recover more quickly.

It is important to remember that self-compassion does not mean excusing everything or stopping making an effort. It is not about feeling sorry for yourself or giving up. On the contrary, when you are caring toward yourself it becomes easier to take responsibility and make positive changes, because you are working with yourself rather than against yourself. Self-compassion in everyday life is precisely this: being on your own side, focusing on what you need to feel well in the moment, rather than on everything you think you “should” be able to manage.

Support Along the Way

Developing greater self-compassion is a journey that takes time and patience. Sometimes it can be difficult to break ingrained patterns of self-criticism on your own, and that is when outside support becomes valuable. Our assessment and coaching clinic offers coaching tailored for people with ADHD or autism, where we help you build your self-compassion and find tools for a more sustainable everyday life. Together we practise new ways of thinking and handling challenges, so that you can become the friend to yourself that you deserve to have.